Dear Uneducated Umbrella Owner,

Just a quick note to let you know that my latest optometry bill should be arriving in your mailbox any day now.

My left eye is healing well, you'll be glad to know, despite the good old-fashioned poking it took when you passed by me with your umbrella today. I realize you were in a rush – late, no doubt, for a very important sample sale, grandé skinny extra-snot no-brain latté, or meeting of Halfwits Anonymous. (Your secret's out.) Otherwise, I'm sure you would have practiced safe shelter – tilting, lifting or closing your umbrella in thickly settled sidewalk areas.

Here's hoping your next victim doesn't suffer a punctured larynx or worse – roam rage. All it takes is one hot-tempered passer-by to teach you what weathering a storm really means.

Happy trails,
Snake Plissken