Dear Criss-Crosswalker,

I'm not sure if you remember me. We met this morning in midtown. Our paths crossed on the crosswalk. Quite literally.

I was on my way to work. You were on your high horse. Then BAM! You slammed into my right shoulder, and just kept right on going.

No, no it's fine. Really. I'm OK. But once the little animated birdies stopped circling my head and you were long gone, I noticed that I was but one victim in the overall carnage you had left behind.

That's because you had decided to cross the crosswalk diagonally.

Yep...there you were at your point A with your eyes dead-set on your point B, and ain't nothin' was gonna get in the way of where YOU had to go. Not my shoulder. Not the little old lady piloting her Jazzy. Nothing.

To be fair, there are no written rules with regard to crossing crosswalks. Just common sense. And since you've proven that we can't rely on that, you can borrow some of mine. I'll draw pictures, too.


How to Cross a Crosswalk

OPTION 1: Walk in a straight line, keeping to the right-hand side of the crosswalk. (See Figure A.)

Fig. A: Safe cross-walking

OPTION 2: Walk in a straight line to the other side of the street, keeping to your trajectory. (See Figure B.)

Fig. B: So-so, yet still acceptable cross-walking

How NOT to Cross a Crosswalk

Fix your eyes on the spot where you would most like to be once you've crossed the street (Figure C)...

Fig. C: This can't end well

And go for it (Figure D)...

Fig. D

So you see, loathee, until portals, transporters or floo powder become real-life alternatives for getting us quickly from one destination to another, we're just going to have to rely on our measly network of roads, train tracks, bike paths and pedestrian crosswalks. And although you may have mistakenly interpreted the "cross" in "crosswalk" to mean "in any direction...at any cost," I can't allow that to be my problem.

Print out the pretty pictures. Study them. There will be a test should we "run into" each other again.

Sorely,
Vexed walker ranger

Dear Unprofessional Up-Talker,

The voice you are using at the office is not only inaudible, it's inappropriate.

If I were your supervisor, I would not hesitate to list your communication skills as a primary "area of improvement" on your performance review. Too many young women from your generation speak like you do. It's hurting our business, destroying the English language and, like chalk on a chalkboard, giving me the heebie jeebies.

Following a client meeting the other day, for example, I *think* I heard you say:

"I will write up a contact report and
send it to everyone within the hour."

After applying your wackadoo voice filter, however, it came out more like:

"So ahhfter this meetING? I'll write up a contact rePORT?
Ahhnd send it to everyone within, liiike, the houuuu."

I just don't know what to call this language. Irkish? Egadsian? Stopitplese?

I would almost prefer it if you were just a full-on valley girl. Although annoying, valleyspeak would at least take me back to a time when my biggest concern was completing one side of a Rubik's Cube. And then I could spend my time in your midst daydreaming and reminiscing rather than wincing and loathing.

But instead, you and other gits like you have created a dialect containing a few cringeworthy commonalities that I have been able to pinpoint:

Up-Talking
The art of breaking up a single statement into multiple quesTIONS? By unnecessarily popping random syllables in that sentENCE? Why? (No, really. That last one is actually a question.)

The Dull, Extended Vooohhhwel
Sticking in extra vowels, in a way that inexplicably changes the sound of that vowel. This often makes you sound like you're choking, which – while an idea worth entertaining – makes your sentence much longer than it has to be. And keeps your listener in a conversation with you much longer than they want to be.

The Case of the Missing Consonant
Often on the heels of the extended vowel, the final consonant is forgotten. Or too difficult to pronounce. Or maybe it voluntarily caught the first flight to Buffalo in order to avoid being caught dead in your ridiculous-sounding statement. (StateMENT?)

A Side of Vocal Fry
As a result of all of the above, the vocal chords get lazy and decide to take the day off. We are left with a scratchy tone to the voice that makes me want to lunge across the table and shove a lozenge down your girl gullet.

Like, One More Thing
That dreaded time-filler: "Like." It's the modern-day "Um." A poor man's "Let me see now." A little known fact? The number of "likes" that one uses in a sentence is directly proportional to the number of smacks they deserve.

I don't believe you need to "Hand the man the dandy candy" and speak like voice and articulator Kenneth C. Crannell might have us all speak. I do believe you need to conduct yourself with just enough professionalism to warrant the fact that you are probably making more money than I am. Otherwise, I may have to use my own voice to take you down.

Oh wait. I just did.

Much loathe,
Your fatigued colleague