Dear Unamusement Park,

As an avid roller coaster fanatic, I recently took it upon myself to visit your Valencia, California location. Magic Mountain boasts "More coasters than any other theme park on the planet," due to its whopping 18 roller coasters. That beats Cedar Point, my absolute favorite vacation destination, by just one coaster. And your list of contenders? Incredible. Impressively unique designs. Dips and twists that defy physics. What a thrill-seeker's dream. I couldn't wait to get started.

Then I arrived.

$15 for parking. Sigh...fine. Green Lantern will make up for that.

$60 for a one-day ticket. Oh well. Superman: Escape from Krypton is supposedly the best thing since In-N-Out Burger.

While I waited for the park to open, your perky, neon-clad pre-show performers assured me and the rest of the crowd that whatever wonders lay beyond the main gates were pretty much going to make me wet myself. In my world, this is a good thing. So I willingly listened to them tout the stats of Green Lantern, Superman and all the other rides that solidified my decision to come here in the first place.

Finally, the gates opened.

Refusing to be one of those people who sprinted to their first ride, I coolly fast-walked to Colossus, your giant dual-track wooden coaster. Seemed like an appropriate, moderate thrill start to my morning. But when I got there, the experience went a little something like this.

Colossus was down for the day.

So I walked to Gotham City to hit some of the Batman-themed rides. That's when I noticed the empty lot. I looked down at my map. Then looked back up to the lot. Then at the map. Back to the lot. You know what I'm getting at, Six Flags proprietors.

Green Lantern hasn't even been built yet.

After this bummer, I did go on to enjoy many other rides. But during my stay, there were a few more let-downs that, sadly, increased my loathe for you.

Déjà Vu: Not operating.

X2: Broke down 4 times, increasing my wait time to 2 hours. (TOTALLY worth it, but screw you anyway.)

Tatsu: Only admitting FlashPass holders, an additional cost of $41.

Perhaps I should have checked your website, as I see now that it does list which rides are currently running or, in the case of Green Lantern, EXISTING. But I might suggest the following:

• If your ride is down, please advertise that fact on a sign that is near (preferably in front of) the admission booth.

• If your ride is "coming soon," add that phrase to the perky, neon-clad pre-show performer script.

• If your ride is going to cost park-goers $101 to ride (plus parking), make sure it ends with a cigarette and calls me the next morning.

Overall, I did have a fantastic time. There were plenty of rides that had me screaming like a little girl. (Again, a good thing.) But unfortunately, your mountain was not as magical as you had claimed. I would have preferred a more honest slogan, like "We spent all of our money on advertising, so don't expect our rides to work."

I reject you. I am unamused. And I will never come back again...before checking your website.

Wheeeeeeeeee-ing all the way home,
A copyrider

Dear Word-Butchers of the World,

Irregardless of what you believe, I am here to reiterate again what I consider to be a rising problem in the year two thousand and eleven.

But before I do, let me ask you this – did you notice anything wrong with my first sentence?

Of course you didn't. And THAT is why I'm writing.

People make mistakes. It's human. In writing, it happens all the time. I'm sure my letters could use a proofreader's eye (although too many negative comments may result in a loathe letter of its own, so proofreaders be warned).

Piddly mistakes are not the topic here. Neither is sloppy grammar. I am writing to direct attention to some key words and phrases that you insist on pronouncing incorrectly. Errors I am begging you to fix now. Because they are making my ears bleed. And my mom won't stop writing to me with examples.

Here is just a short list of repeat offenders, followed by some important notes. 

Stop saying:
Irregardless

Why:
There is no such word. The correct word is "regardless." Save the "ir" for words you understand, like "dirt" and "squirrel." 


Stop saying:
PIN number

Why:
PIN = personal identification number. So what you are really saying is "Please enter your personal identification number number." And that makes you a DUM dum. 


Stop saying:
2011 (pronounced "two thousand and eleven")

Why:
The year we live in does not contain a decimal point, as your "and" indicates. It is pronounced "two thousand eleven." My guess is that you also write out mortgage checks that say "one thousand and five hundred and twenty-five dollars and 75/100." And for that you should be evicted. 


Stop saying:
Repeat that back

Why:
By repeating something, it has already come back. Ditch the "back." Much like the "number number" offense above, you are making another boo-boo. (Also stupid: Reiterate again.) 


Stop saying:
"After the meeting, people conjugated in the parking lot."

Why:
Just look it up.

I wish I could go around the world and highlight all of the people who are mistakes, but I can't. So instead, I have highlighted these common errors. Please refer to this list whenever you feel the need to open your mouth and speak. I appreciate it. My mom appreciates it.

See you next slip-up,
Anomynous Anonymous

Dear Man Who Sucks at Starbucks,

In all my years of standing in lines, I've never met quite so clever a line-cutter as you. The method to your mannerlessness? I don't believe you realized you were doing anything wrong. So, really, you're not very clever at all. You're just an idiot. 

The scene:

The hustle and bustle at the Lex. Ave. Starbucks on a weekday morning is typical. Most patrons are repeat customers, and have their usual ridiculously-named orders memorized, ready to spout out to the next available cashier. Each drink order takes an estimated 18 hours to pronounce. And if you add an artisan breakfast panini? Fuggetaboutit.

That said, it's a chunk of time that I account for as part of my morning commute, and a ritual for which I have developed a certain level of tolerance.

Then I met you.

The insolence:

I noticed you in line while I was waiting for my own obnoxious beverage. When it was your turn at the register, you stepped out of line and let the person behind you go next. You said "Go ahead, I'm waiting for someone and I'm not sure what he wants to order." The lady behind you smiled, and stepped up to place her order.

But here it comes. The official moment that, in my mind, you became a buffoon.

You stepped back INTO line behind her and continued to wait for your friend.

After about five or six repetitions of this little two-step, I just stood there and laughed. You were repeatedly cutting the line. Letting the person in back of you go ahead, then getting back into line in front of the next person. And out and in and back and forth...accompanied by some other convincing moves, like balancing on your tiptoes and looking toward the front door to see if your friend was on his way.

I wondered how the plot would unfold.

That's when your friend finally arrived and joined you. At the front of the line.

Smiling to myself, I grabbed my chai, walked out the door and let the dozen sleepy, grumpy and thirsty New Yorkers in back of you take it from there.

The moral:

What's a moral to a man with no morals? I'll simply say this – please don't stand in the consumer line if you're not ready to consume. It's terribly rude. Besides, you never know what loather with a laptop may be lurking nearby.

Forever your cup o' Joe foe,
A customer who's always right