Dear Unamusement Park,

As an avid roller coaster fanatic, I recently took it upon myself to visit your Valencia, California location. Magic Mountain boasts "More coasters than any other theme park on the planet," due to its whopping 18 roller coasters. That beats Cedar Point, my absolute favorite vacation destination, by just one coaster. And your list of contenders? Incredible. Impressively unique designs. Dips and twists that defy physics. What a thrill-seeker's dream. I couldn't wait to get started.

Then I arrived.

$15 for parking. Sigh...fine. Green Lantern will make up for that.

$60 for a one-day ticket. Oh well. Superman: Escape from Krypton is supposedly the best thing since In-N-Out Burger.

While I waited for the park to open, your perky, neon-clad pre-show performers assured me and the rest of the crowd that whatever wonders lay beyond the main gates were pretty much going to make me wet myself. In my world, this is a good thing. So I willingly listened to them tout the stats of Green Lantern, Superman and all the other rides that solidified my decision to come here in the first place.

Finally, the gates opened.

Refusing to be one of those people who sprinted to their first ride, I coolly fast-walked to Colossus, your giant dual-track wooden coaster. Seemed like an appropriate, moderate thrill start to my morning. But when I got there, the experience went a little something like this.

Colossus was down for the day.

So I walked to Gotham City to hit some of the Batman-themed rides. That's when I noticed the empty lot. I looked down at my map. Then looked back up to the lot. Then at the map. Back to the lot. You know what I'm getting at, Six Flags proprietors.

Green Lantern hasn't even been built yet.

After this bummer, I did go on to enjoy many other rides. But during my stay, there were a few more let-downs that, sadly, increased my loathe for you.

Déjà Vu: Not operating.

X2: Broke down 4 times, increasing my wait time to 2 hours. (TOTALLY worth it, but screw you anyway.)

Tatsu: Only admitting FlashPass holders, an additional cost of $41.

Perhaps I should have checked your website, as I see now that it does list which rides are currently running or, in the case of Green Lantern, EXISTING. But I might suggest the following:

• If your ride is down, please advertise that fact on a sign that is near (preferably in front of) the admission booth.

• If your ride is "coming soon," add that phrase to the perky, neon-clad pre-show performer script.

• If your ride is going to cost park-goers $101 to ride (plus parking), make sure it ends with a cigarette and calls me the next morning.

Overall, I did have a fantastic time. There were plenty of rides that had me screaming like a little girl. (Again, a good thing.) But unfortunately, your mountain was not as magical as you had claimed. I would have preferred a more honest slogan, like "We spent all of our money on advertising, so don't expect our rides to work."

I reject you. I am unamused. And I will never come back again...before checking your website.

Wheeeeeeeeee-ing all the way home,
A copyrider