Dear Unprofessional Up-Talker,

The voice you are using at the office is not only inaudible, it's inappropriate.

If I were your supervisor, I would not hesitate to list your communication skills as a primary "area of improvement" on your performance review. Too many young women from your generation speak like you do. It's hurting our business, destroying the English language and, like chalk on a chalkboard, giving me the heebie jeebies.

Following a client meeting the other day, for example, I *think* I heard you say:

"I will write up a contact report and
send it to everyone within the hour."

After applying your wackadoo voice filter, however, it came out more like:

"So ahhfter this meetING? I'll write up a contact rePORT?
Ahhnd send it to everyone within, liiike, the houuuu."

I just don't know what to call this language. Irkish? Egadsian? Stopitplese?

I would almost prefer it if you were just a full-on valley girl. Although annoying, valleyspeak would at least take me back to a time when my biggest concern was completing one side of a Rubik's Cube. And then I could spend my time in your midst daydreaming and reminiscing rather than wincing and loathing.

But instead, you and other gits like you have created a dialect containing a few cringeworthy commonalities that I have been able to pinpoint:

Up-Talking
The art of breaking up a single statement into multiple quesTIONS? By unnecessarily popping random syllables in that sentENCE? Why? (No, really. That last one is actually a question.)

The Dull, Extended Vooohhhwel
Sticking in extra vowels, in a way that inexplicably changes the sound of that vowel. This often makes you sound like you're choking, which – while an idea worth entertaining – makes your sentence much longer than it has to be. And keeps your listener in a conversation with you much longer than they want to be.

The Case of the Missing Consonant
Often on the heels of the extended vowel, the final consonant is forgotten. Or too difficult to pronounce. Or maybe it voluntarily caught the first flight to Buffalo in order to avoid being caught dead in your ridiculous-sounding statement. (StateMENT?)

A Side of Vocal Fry
As a result of all of the above, the vocal chords get lazy and decide to take the day off. We are left with a scratchy tone to the voice that makes me want to lunge across the table and shove a lozenge down your girl gullet.

Like, One More Thing
That dreaded time-filler: "Like." It's the modern-day "Um." A poor man's "Let me see now." A little known fact? The number of "likes" that one uses in a sentence is directly proportional to the number of smacks they deserve.

I don't believe you need to "Hand the man the dandy candy" and speak like voice and articulator Kenneth C. Crannell might have us all speak. I do believe you need to conduct yourself with just enough professionalism to warrant the fact that you are probably making more money than I am. Otherwise, I may have to use my own voice to take you down.

Oh wait. I just did.

Much loathe,
Your fatigued colleague