Dear Elevator Evil-Doer,

I saw you. And I know you saw me.

It's ironic really, because I've been studying selfish humans for quite some time now. And I happen to think that people who don't hold the elevator for other people are a remarkable breed of idiot. In fact, did you know that there are a number of very specific techniques that rude elevator people like yourself have perfected over the years? It's true. You're in rude company.

Take a look:

The Disappearing Act
This is a slick, yet cowardly, move. It involves the idiot – you – entering the elevator and immediately ducking around the corner, directly in front of the button panel. This allows you, you idiot, to hide out of view of the person who is hoping to get to the elevator in time. You can then push the DOOR CLOSE button repeatedly and shut the victim out, without ever showing your face.

WARNING: This technique can backfire if the person trying to reach the elevator has an extended umbrella or freakishly long lunge that can obstruct the sliding doors in time to open them back up. And then you're screwed.

Modus Preoccupi
For the more strategic idiot, this method requires some sort of prop to be fake-engrossed by. Popular choices include mail, headphones or a cell phone. Reading mail is typically the best way to go because it literally focuses your pretend attention downward, which is more convincing when the doors close on the person behind you. Be smart about which item you choose to quasi-read, though. If your target happens to reach the elevator in time (see Disappearing Act warning above), they may wonder why you were so immersed in your 1-800-DENTIST advert – especially, when they notice your flawless smile the minute you lie, "Oh sorry. Didn't see you coming. Which floor?"

The Couldn't Care Press
This is simply the tactic of a moron who doesn't want to wait, and doesn't care who knows it. The steps are simple: (1) enter elevator, (2) press the DOOR CLOSE button and (3) stare straight into the whites of your victim's eyes until the doors shut tightly in front of his or her fuming face. Especially vile idiots might give a smile before the doors close, or chomp their gum rebelliously. (Think Marky Mark in "Fear.") You don't think twice about what you've done. You get joy out of it. The best defense against someone like you? Karma. I've been told what comes around, goes around. A swinging mace would be my choice here.

Now, we both know which category you fit into. (I had you at number 1.) But I wonder if in your spineless haste you considered the fact that the floor numbers do light up for those residents who are waiting for the elevator. So not only do I know where you live, I happen to know I could take you in a chase. After all, you needed a frackin' elevator to get to the second floor.

Harmlessly,
Your SIXTH floor neighbor