Dear Condescending Co-Worker,

I am writing to personally thank you for starting off my morning on such a positive note.

You see, the tone with which you spoke to me just a few minutes ago brought me straight back to a cherished time in my life. Kindergarten. Seems like just yesterday Mrs. Viera taught me how to tie my shoes, reviewing each step in detail, careful to allow my underdeveloped brain to absorb each instruction. But you know me – slower than the cash-only tollbooth lane. Thank goodness for Velcro.

Perhaps next time, you can give me your feedback to the tune of “Little Bunny Foo Foo.” Or allow me to eat paste while you yammer on. Better yet, you eat the paste. I’ll just stare at you blankly with drool running down my face hoping that some day I can eat paste exactly like you.

You are so smart and interesting. I look forward to our next lesson.

Insignificantly yours,